Six Degrees Of Separation

I think a lot, recently
Kadang kadang tutup lampu pukul 11 but pukul 1 baru dapat tido
I realize I need to speak my heart out
Tapi bila difikir balik,
Will they understand me?
What I actually went through, no one really knows.

I coudn't really tweet how I feel
Kalau la kan aku tweet cakap aku masih tak boleh move on
Its like commiting a suicide
I won't jeopardize my own life okay? Hahaha
Twitter is full of judgemental eyes and brains
Where they criticize people 24/7
Where they stalk and start to hate us internetically (if this word is accepted)

This is why I didn't tell people in public about my blog.
Its my personal page.
The more people know about it, the less that i can write.
I need to do a lot of confession.

and this is my confession *gaya usher ewah*

I really had a rough time moving on.
Maybe neither of you understand
I keep on telling people around me that I had moved on,
There is no more him,
I love studying,
It doesn't hurt that much anymore,
Its just a stupid past to remember,
But its not.
No.

Well maybe if he reads this he won't understand me either
He'll be like "why did you love me so much?" or "oh come on its just a 97 days relationship"
Maybe some (or maybe all) of you think that I am just being super emotional about my first love
Cause he had found his love, he is so happy with her right now.
And he might forgot how much secrets I spilled to him cause I trust him that much
he might has forgot already how does his eyes looked when he looked at me when I cried
he might never know, at all, that he has actually fixed me that time

but i won't.
I still remember the feeling when you tarik my tudung everytime jumpa
I still remember all the ink stain on my hand,
you even write "ilysdm" on my hand on the day I had my KHB paper
and when you finished your test you will show me the papers, there were my full name on each pages.

You know what?
Knowing you are now happy with her does not hurt me that much
Knowing that I was once your everything is.

I am really tired of struggling with my own feelings
Its like everything I do is a sort of desperation
I need a closure
A closure for this.

"First, you think the worst is the broken heart,
What's gonna kill you is the second part
And the third is when your world split down in middle
And fourth, you're gonna think you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little" -The Script

This is when I know I'm going through six degrees of separation.

Wordless Wednesday

Nur Syahirah Yuan 

Saya chenta kawan kawan saya. Anda?

Membebel session yang panjang berjela that it might waste your five minutes

Sometimes all we need is clarity
About who we are, what we need to change about ourselves
We need to spill our thoughts
Decipher the message yg bersimpul mcm earphone kat dalam otak
To keep ourselves at the right lane
To avoid the urge of doing something stupid
And the important thing is to prevent ourselves from succumbing to peer pressure

Peer pressure

Bunyi mcm benda kecik
But to be honest, I do realize that as a teenager,
The wall between peer pressure and I is thin, very thin.
I got insecure so easily.
Especially about my studies.
Orang dapat 100, aku nak jugak.
That is why my PMR year seems to be a bit stressful than other PMRers.
Sangat drama queen but I can't help it :p

So...since I own a blog
Do you mind if I do my clarity session?
Right here, right now?



Zil penuh electrons (zil yang negative)

Saya sangat annoying dan saya tahu.
Tendency untuk aku buat benda yang tersangat bodoh ialah sangat besar kalau

1. aku tgh berserabut
2. aku tgh happy gila babi

Contoh:

Ok this happened last year. Zaman jahiliyah, sebab aku tgh bermasalah dgn syafiq,
Ish geli pulak aku nak ingat. hahaha. aku frust la masa tu.
He was my first boyfriend, and I really loved him (past tense ya kawan kawan)
Ok let me share with you one thing
Syafiq was my friend
A listener, a companian
Somehow I think he is just a rebound to all my sadness
Lepas arwah meninggal, bertugas sorg diri, dan aku rasa aku sgt jauh dgn kawan kawan aku
And he was there
He listened. Aku tak malu pun kalau nak nangis dpn dia pun.
Because he was that good, good friend.
And masa mcm ni la tendency untuk fall in love ni sgt besar
Macam menstrual cycle, ada fertile phase kan?
Masa ni la "fertile phase" dia.
Masa kau sedih, and he listens.
Ewah. Hahahha
Okay I might be fifteen but falling in love tu lumrah la.
And I learnt my lesson.
I want to make these two years the best that I could do
SPM = hidup dan mati
jangan harap la aku nak cari masalah lagi lepas ni
Okay balik cerita tadi,
aku tgh frust pasal syafiq and aku mmg tak focus pasal semua benda
I went for a movie with yuki.
Abah buat hal lain
Dia suruh bayar parking. okay, fine.
Aku bayar, lepas tu kan we need to keep this card sampai kita nak keluar kan?

Guess what? lepas bayar aku pergi buang ticket ni.
Lepas buang baru aku mcm..."ok jap what was I doing?"
Dan cerita lepas tu aku taknak cerita sbb aku taknak ingat
I hate nightmares.


Positive, bright zil

I am persistent about what I am doing
By hook or my crook, aku mesti dapat jugak apa yg aku nak
Kadang kadang I am too enthusiastic that I get hurt easily

Siapa pernah nangis berjam sbb nak kucing baru?
Well I did.
Siapa pernah study agama sampai tak tido and just to make sure I got 100?
Well I did.
Siapa pernah tulis 9 essay the night sebelum exam just to make sure that I will write a good essay for my BI paper?
Well I did. 9 essay 9 hours. Pukul berapa ntah tido.

I know what I want, and I will go for it.
Blogging is my passion, walaupun tak ramai tau I own a blog
Satisfication every time kita publish our spilled thought mmg sgt best ok
Macam lepas buat maths.

I, too, student yg sangat baik. (lah sangat)
I tried my best not to signing up for instagram, line, we chat or such
sbb aku tau I might get attached, addicted
Addict the twitter pun susah nak control,
Macam mana la yg lain tu.
Studies is my first priority.
No compromise.
Walaupun lepas PMR, I'm doing my best to make every days productive (walaupun banyak tido)
Tak kisah la mcm mana pun.
Ewah anak siapa lah ni.



I might be fifteen
My vision of my future is still blurred
But I'm doing my best to make sure I'll survive, dunia dan akhirat.
All I need is support.
I need someone to correct me whenever I am wrong.

Like what I said,
aku ni zil tepi jalan je.
I need support.
I really need support.

Hilang dan Hikmah.

Salam sejahtera ke atasmu.

Serious rasa kosong. Rinduuuuu rasanya nak busykan diri dengan buku buku sekolah.
Hehe. tapi dah seminggu cuti ni, tiga empat novel gak la dah habis
I really love books, walaupun muka aku tak rupa bookworm langsung
Well I will look like one if I use spectacles
Tapi jgn harap la aku nak keluar rumah pakai specs
ai pakai contact lens ok
luka di jari mmg la u tau
rabun di mata ai u apa tau
luka di hati lagiii la u tak tau
lol what am i writing?

And time time rasa kosong mcm ni la aku..
aku rindu alya.
Allahyarhamah Alyanur.
Macam mimpi, giving a title "Allahyarhamah" to someone who used to be your partner in crime
Tapi ni semua kuasa Dia kan? He knows best
He is the Best Planner after all

Aku ingat lagi time form one
Masa tu masih baru lagi kat kuching
Bahasa sarawak pun masih fasa saya-faham-tapi-saya-tak-reti-cakap lagi
Orientation week was extremely awkward
Nasib baik aku friendly (masuk bakul angkat sendiri lulz)
Tapi serious apa, dari aku kecik I change school for like every three years
Harus lah friendly.

Back to my story, arwah kira one of my first bestfriend kat sini
Yang satu kepala
Sebab mak kitorg sama sama cikgu
Mak dia cikgu kat sekolah rendah dia dulu
Mak aku cikgu kat sekolah menengah aku sekarang
anak cikgu kan? both dulu pengawas
and kitorang pun sama sama decide untuk join smk green road's prefect board
semua org mcm "ish tak payah la nanti kena dtg awal troublesome gila" (dalam bhs sarawak ofcoz)
kitorg je mcm "who cares jadi pengawas je pun bukannya jadi cleaner"

So....we joined
Nak jadi prefect kat sini dia kena go through interview and probation period

Time jadi probation prefects tu memang seksa sangat ek
seksa weh seksa
I mean like kitorg semua form one
dah lah pendek (ni apply kat aku je kot hahahhaa)
nak suruh seniors yg dah besar tu ikut ckp kitorang
mmg tak ah kan?
So, alya la yg mmg tempat aku share semua benda

Aku pernah kejar budak peralihan
Dia pun pernah
Aku pernah kena langgar dgn senior
Dia pun pernah

Memang fairy god mother tau.

We've been through so many things together.

To be honest dia je la org yg pernah I had Harry-Potterish-conversation with
Cerita pasal kenapa malfoy yg sebenarnya berhak ke atas wand dumbledore
macam macam
Org lain nak cakap pasal harry potter dgn aku?
tak kot.......

One day dia tak dtg
Seminggu
Lebih
Aku tgk atas meja cikgu ada nota
Aku dah serabut dah
I really missed her.
Pengawas kan keluar rehat awal?
You have no idea how lonely I was masa dia tgh tak ada tu
Rehat sorg sorg
Bertugas sorg sorg
Masa aku lawat dia kat hospital,
she promised untuk balik ke sekolah
at 2 November
How can I forget 2 November?
Dia dah janji.

Aaa okay I better stop cerita panjang panjang.

21 October 2011, Dia kembali ke rahmatullah.
It was apendix, bukan kidney infection yg doctor ckp sebelum ni
Tu je la time aku pernah nangis 12 jam tanpa henti
Yang memang betul betul buat aku mati

Sungguh aku cakap, perasaan hilang orang ni cuma org yg pernah "hilang" je boleh rasa
Sakit dia, we can't even put into  words.
Hari ke-7 Alya meninggal, aku pergi jumpa mak dia
Sangat heartbreaking
I really can't, tengok mak dia menangis mcm tu

And all of us sambung kehidupan mcm biasa...

It was hard though
Well, it takes time.
And Alhamdulillah skrg aku okay.
Baru last month three weeks lepas jumpa mak arwah.
Dua hari before PMR, paper bm.

Bapak dia siap tunjuk aku kat uncle uncle alya
"Tok kawan alya, pande nya tok. Sama Alya" dia cakap (Ni kawan Alya, pandai, sama Alya)
masa tu aku terharu
Rasa mcm alya masih ada
Rasa mcm kitorg masih berlumba markah siapa lagi tinggi

Is it a crime to miss my bestfriend?
I just miss my bestfriend

Al-Fatihah.

penakut.

Ok i need to write this.
Aku tak tau la recently ni kenapa aku pelik sangat
I mean aku happy giler kalau depan orang
Tak, bukan happy pura pura ek
My happiness is real, sbb kira I got my strength daripada those who love me la

Tapi bila aku sorang sorang kan
Emo mengalahkan izzah yg ditinggalkan encik haris
Boleh la buat hikayat tsunami rindu lepas ni. ihiks.

Ntah la. Aku banyak fikir pasal
Where will I stand next year
Aku ada kasi syarat kat ma and abah
Arina akan masuk either sbp kat semenanjung or stay kat green road je
SO. maksudnya I will never accept sbp dkt kuching la

Reasons?
- I believe that green road dah okay for me. I can't even managed to get top 10 walaupun my average 92%.
Kira staying in green road is not as bad as other people may think. They are super genius!
-Most of my friends yg dah masuk asrama kat sini bnyk complain and mcm nak masuk green road balik.
- Alang alang masuk asrama yg dekat dgn rumah, why can't I just stay at home, belajar mcm biasa. Lagipun masa belajar kat asrama singkat. Nanti belum habis belajar dah kena tutup lampu. Nak taknak kena tido gak. I am not ready for this. Kalau time PMR ni pun aku rasa belajar sehari 6 jam pun tak make me feel prepared apatah lagi espeeyem nanti. But for this reason I can tolerate though hihi.
-I just don't want

and abah apply kan jugak sbp dkt kuching
"abah applykan kat sini dulu nanti abah transfer kan la ke sana"
which is...i think is not going to happen
abah ngn mama mcm slowly tgh pujuk aku supaya just stay in kch, masuk sbp kat sini
and that really bothers me
and aku rasa takkan ada org yg akan faham aku
aku tau parents aku know whats the best for me
aku tau they are trying to understand me too
sampai aku rasa I am a better zil than arina
Zil can tolerate everything
She can even tolerate with a boy who said he loves her tapi prgi sayang org lain
Rileks je pun (padahal menangis tiga baldi kan ahahahaha)
Arina? she can't even tolerate dgn adik dia yg tak reti tutup pintu bilik bila keluar

Padahal zil dgn arina org yg sama

Topic ni seems endless tau tak

Truth is aku bukan taknak pindah sbb kawan ke apa
Years have taught me that
No matter rapat mana la kau dgn dia
Friends won't be forever yours
Future is more important indeed
Aku mmg nak pindah
Start a brand new life at a brand new school
Atleast dkt semenanjung aku tau aku boleh cope
Yeah, maybe it takes time
Walaupun ma ngn abah takde kat sana
Tapi kalau sbp yg DEKAT DENGAN RUMAH
aku mmg tak boleh nak terima.
Sebab I know I can do better dkt green road

See? aku pun tak faham diri aku sendiri.
kalau ikut logic bila sekolah dkt dgn ma dgn abah la senang nak cope
ni nak sekolah jauh jauh
apa najis mughallazah sgt cara kau fikir ni
teruk petala kelapan

Whatever it is lah kan, arina bukan nak buat ma dgn abah risau ke apa.
Serious takde niat.
Arina sayang gila dkt mama dgn abah
Especially masa pmr haritu
mmg segala mcm benda korang kasi kat arina
Sampai hantar makanan ke bilik
sbb korang tau I won't stop studying until my bed time

setiap kali bincang benda ni dgn mama mesti make me burst into tears
perasaan yg aku sendiri tak faham apa yg aku nak
nampak sangat aku penakut
which I looked less than my usual perky self
zil ni sebenarnya tak lah kuat mana.

Done.

Alhamdulillah everything went well. Walaupun aku tau kali ni I made A LOT of unnecessary mistakeS, bila aku fikir balik effort yg telah aku buat, aku tenang sikit. Aku nak check semua paper pun jadi tak jadi sebab frust check paper sejarah ngn bm. apa yg aku salah semua yg aku tukar jawapan. sejarah aku empat salah. SEMUA tu my second answer. Kira kalau aku tak tukar  and fikir bnyk sgt aku boleh score 60/60. Takpelah. Ini org ckp bukan rezeki. Ah takpelah. masih A je pun. Doa dah, usaha dah. Sekarang tinggal tawakal je la.

Nak cakap confident dpt straight A tu, serious tak.
Entahlah. Aku trial semua mmg la straight A tapi the confidence is never there
Orang lain semua dok excited for maths paper,
I agree la paper maths mmg senang, tapi hari nak exam maths tu aku mesti rasa nervous nak mati
"what if i forgot how to describe rotation"
"what if  my graph senget"
"apa acceleration"
"what if calculator habis battery"

see?
The worst part in me is I have always been a slave to my own fears.
Unnecessary fears.

Lagipun haritu keluar article for paper two bi. Alhamdulillah I managed to write two full pages but pemeriksa tu akan suka ke dgn article aku yg sgt tak berapa tu?

Ish tak habis habis. Dah lah arina. ENOUGH.

YANG PENTING AKU BOLEH TIDO AND TENGOK TV SUKAHATI AKU SEKARANG HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

now dah takde la dgn buku je.

I can blog

I can watch tv

I can twitter

I can masak

I can mandikan kucing (omg lamanya tak mandikan gabby)

paling paling pun maybe mama hantar aku tuition, preparation untuk masuk form 4

and ofcourse, instead of waking up beside kamus dewan, buku teks sejarah etc, now i can wake up to my fav novel

Setahun tahun ni mcm ni la hidup aku. A slave to PMR books




BEST GILA WEH BEST GILA!!!!!

aku penat la. katil aku yang queen size tu rasa mcm semut size bila penuh dgn buku sebelah kanan aku
penat weh penat. hahaha

oh btw ingat tak hikayat acad azhari yg aku cerita kat diorg dulu tu? boleh tengok kat sini

ok aku mengaku sampai skrg we never talked
senyum senyum je hahaha
but guess what

First day, habis paper agama, aku pergi bilik guru cari mama. Walaupun mama sesi pagi, mama sanggup tunggu sampai pukul 4, sampai aku habis. hihi sayang mama.

"macam mana paper agama"
"Alhamdulillah senang"
"err arina."
"ah?"
"budak kelas mama, yg kau ckp kau mimpi haritu tu..."
"aaa kenapa?"
"dia suruh mama cakap goodluck kat arina"

hahahahahhaha masa tu dalam hati aku mcm ada background song:
KEUNGGULAN CINTAAA DARI SINAR MATA YANG BERGELORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


ok masa untuk kenduri party (eh) selama tujuh hari tujuh malam. bye