Six Degrees Of Separation

I think a lot, recently
Kadang kadang tutup lampu pukul 11 but pukul 1 baru dapat tido
I realize I need to speak my heart out
Tapi bila difikir balik,
Will they understand me?
What I actually went through, no one really knows.

I coudn't really tweet how I feel
Kalau la kan aku tweet cakap aku masih tak boleh move on
Its like commiting a suicide
I won't jeopardize my own life okay? Hahaha
Twitter is full of judgemental eyes and brains
Where they criticize people 24/7
Where they stalk and start to hate us internetically (if this word is accepted)

This is why I didn't tell people in public about my blog.
Its my personal page.
The more people know about it, the less that i can write.
I need to do a lot of confession.

and this is my confession *gaya usher ewah*

I really had a rough time moving on.
Maybe neither of you understand
I keep on telling people around me that I had moved on,
There is no more him,
I love studying,
It doesn't hurt that much anymore,
Its just a stupid past to remember,
But its not.
No.

Well maybe if he reads this he won't understand me either
He'll be like "why did you love me so much?" or "oh come on its just a 97 days relationship"
Maybe some (or maybe all) of you think that I am just being super emotional about my first love
Cause he had found his love, he is so happy with her right now.
And he might forgot how much secrets I spilled to him cause I trust him that much
he might has forgot already how does his eyes looked when he looked at me when I cried
he might never know, at all, that he has actually fixed me that time

but i won't.
I still remember the feeling when you tarik my tudung everytime jumpa
I still remember all the ink stain on my hand,
you even write "ilysdm" on my hand on the day I had my KHB paper
and when you finished your test you will show me the papers, there were my full name on each pages.

You know what?
Knowing you are now happy with her does not hurt me that much
Knowing that I was once your everything is.

I am really tired of struggling with my own feelings
Its like everything I do is a sort of desperation
I need a closure
A closure for this.

"First, you think the worst is the broken heart,
What's gonna kill you is the second part
And the third is when your world split down in middle
And fourth, you're gonna think you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little" -The Script

This is when I know I'm going through six degrees of separation.

Wordless Wednesday

Nur Syahirah Yuan 

Saya chenta kawan kawan saya. Anda?

Membebel session yang panjang berjela that it might waste your five minutes

Sometimes all we need is clarity
About who we are, what we need to change about ourselves
We need to spill our thoughts
Decipher the message yg bersimpul mcm earphone kat dalam otak
To keep ourselves at the right lane
To avoid the urge of doing something stupid
And the important thing is to prevent ourselves from succumbing to peer pressure

Peer pressure

Bunyi mcm benda kecik
But to be honest, I do realize that as a teenager,
The wall between peer pressure and I is thin, very thin.
I got insecure so easily.
Especially about my studies.
Orang dapat 100, aku nak jugak.
That is why my PMR year seems to be a bit stressful than other PMRers.
Sangat drama queen but I can't help it :p

So...since I own a blog
Do you mind if I do my clarity session?
Right here, right now?



Zil penuh electrons (zil yang negative)

Saya sangat annoying dan saya tahu.
Tendency untuk aku buat benda yang tersangat bodoh ialah sangat besar kalau

1. aku tgh berserabut
2. aku tgh happy gila babi

Contoh:

Ok this happened last year. Zaman jahiliyah, sebab aku tgh bermasalah dgn syafiq,
Ish geli pulak aku nak ingat. hahaha. aku frust la masa tu.
He was my first boyfriend, and I really loved him (past tense ya kawan kawan)
Ok let me share with you one thing
Syafiq was my friend
A listener, a companian
Somehow I think he is just a rebound to all my sadness
Lepas arwah meninggal, bertugas sorg diri, dan aku rasa aku sgt jauh dgn kawan kawan aku
And he was there
He listened. Aku tak malu pun kalau nak nangis dpn dia pun.
Because he was that good, good friend.
And masa mcm ni la tendency untuk fall in love ni sgt besar
Macam menstrual cycle, ada fertile phase kan?
Masa ni la "fertile phase" dia.
Masa kau sedih, and he listens.
Ewah. Hahahha
Okay I might be fifteen but falling in love tu lumrah la.
And I learnt my lesson.
I want to make these two years the best that I could do
SPM = hidup dan mati
jangan harap la aku nak cari masalah lagi lepas ni
Okay balik cerita tadi,
aku tgh frust pasal syafiq and aku mmg tak focus pasal semua benda
I went for a movie with yuki.
Abah buat hal lain
Dia suruh bayar parking. okay, fine.
Aku bayar, lepas tu kan we need to keep this card sampai kita nak keluar kan?

Guess what? lepas bayar aku pergi buang ticket ni.
Lepas buang baru aku mcm..."ok jap what was I doing?"
Dan cerita lepas tu aku taknak cerita sbb aku taknak ingat
I hate nightmares.


Positive, bright zil

I am persistent about what I am doing
By hook or my crook, aku mesti dapat jugak apa yg aku nak
Kadang kadang I am too enthusiastic that I get hurt easily

Siapa pernah nangis berjam sbb nak kucing baru?
Well I did.
Siapa pernah study agama sampai tak tido and just to make sure I got 100?
Well I did.
Siapa pernah tulis 9 essay the night sebelum exam just to make sure that I will write a good essay for my BI paper?
Well I did. 9 essay 9 hours. Pukul berapa ntah tido.

I know what I want, and I will go for it.
Blogging is my passion, walaupun tak ramai tau I own a blog
Satisfication every time kita publish our spilled thought mmg sgt best ok
Macam lepas buat maths.

I, too, student yg sangat baik. (lah sangat)
I tried my best not to signing up for instagram, line, we chat or such
sbb aku tau I might get attached, addicted
Addict the twitter pun susah nak control,
Macam mana la yg lain tu.
Studies is my first priority.
No compromise.
Walaupun lepas PMR, I'm doing my best to make every days productive (walaupun banyak tido)
Tak kisah la mcm mana pun.
Ewah anak siapa lah ni.



I might be fifteen
My vision of my future is still blurred
But I'm doing my best to make sure I'll survive, dunia dan akhirat.
All I need is support.
I need someone to correct me whenever I am wrong.

Like what I said,
aku ni zil tepi jalan je.
I need support.
I really need support.